Pumping and Penis Envy

We're approaching month 11.  I'm still breastfeeding this little person the best that I can.  I haven't written about this as I think it's TMI, but it's such a big part of my struggle and stress and I am ready to dish.  I pump twice daily to get her a bottle at daycare.  Who knows why... maybe it's because I didn't actually establish a pumping routine until we were 8 months in, or because that's just the way my mammaries work but for some unknown godforsaken reason I can feed my kid just fine when we're together but the pump doesn't do much.  It takes me about 15 minutes to get 2 ounces if I'm lucky.  I devote some 50 minutes a day to go sit in a closet for almost 4 oz of breast milk.  It's just insanity.  I eat oatmeal, I drink disgusting teas and vitamins, I down almost a gallon of water a day... but that's all I get.  We make it work.  She drinks water and gets this and I feed her when we're face to face about 3 times a day.  We're almost there.

One day I had to pump with a co-worker (we both showed up to the converted broom closet that is now a pumping room at the same time).  She hooked up, I hooked up we faced opposite walls and turned on our little machines.  About four minutes in she unplugs and starts disassembling.  I glance over and see that this little teeny woman put out 8 oz in 4 minutes.  EIGHT OUNCES.  I had a moment of empathy for men with penis envy.  I never understood until just that moment.  My girl still gets fed, she's healthy, I'm doing the best I can... but that woman made me feel very very inadequate.

I'll live.  We're almost there.  She's never going to get how much this took... but I will.  And it will be a big accomplishment in my own little book.  

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