The Mama Work Balance and the Double Bind

So... there's this job.  It's the job that I've literally wanted since I was about 23 years old.  I pretty much structured my entire professional life around this job.  I got a master's degree.  I put in the time at another school doing this job (exceptionally well I might add).  I had a baby.  I quit the job at the other school.  I moved to a different new school knowing that the opportunity to get this new job would open up in a few years.  I planned to have my babies before this job opened so that if I was ready, it would be ready for me.  I applied for the job.  There were 5 rounds of interviews for the job.  I didn't get past round 1.

I was crushed.

I haven't really ever faced a professional defeat.  It isn't a thing.  I usually set my mind to something and get it. This one was different.  I was so stressed out about getting the job that I choked.  I didn't make myself clear to my interviewers and I fell short of letting them know of who I was and what I'm capable of.  I was so upset.  I cried. Often.

Everyone I spoke to that knows me professionally was fairly shocked about the getting cut in round 1 situation.  I was shocked.  I played that interview back in my head many many times. I  lost sleep.  Considering I'm still getting woken up 2-3 times a night... losing sleep is a big deal.  I went in and spoke with my interview committee and got some feedback.  I was told that I held back... and I maybe subconsciously did that to myself.

Some family members told me "this is for the best, you can focus on your kids and your family."  This gave me a little consolation, but mostly it just made me angry.  Thus the double bind.

I want to have both.  I want to work my butt off at work and then come home and snuggle with my kids.  I want to appreciate the time at home even more because I don't get tons of it.  I know that I'm not the kind of mama who can spend 8 hours a day with my kids and still marvel at the little moments.  I want them to grow as independent adventurers that don't need me hovering over them to feel secure.  I want them to know that they are strong regardless of if mom is watching or not from the stands.  Mom will be there.  Mom loves them.

But Mom loves herself as well.  She loves to work.  She loves to strive and push herself to new heights.  So... here's the deal.  I will be there for them... but you can bet the next time one of these openings shows up I won't be holding back or nervous.  I will be revved up and ready to go.  Because I do love my husband and I do love my kids.  I am so so lucky to have them in my life.  But my life is also mine... so here's to proving myself.