The End of the Last First Year.

I need to make a confession.  I had some serious anger my first time around motherhood.  Having a baby with colic didn't help.  Being an older first-time mom that was accustomed to her life being a certain way with a huge amount of personal freedom didn't help.  The fact that I'm just frankly a little spoiled didn't help.  I was bitter about nursing.  I was bitter about pumping.  I was bitter that I was the only one who could solve many many problems during that first year the first time around.  I was prepared for this bitterness during the second round of motherhood.

I knew what I was getting myself into.  I steeled myself, was prepared to weather the storm and deal with all of the crap.  I knew I was going to be tired.  I knew I would have to make sacrifices.  And most of all I knew I was going to sit in that little cinder block closet at work for two 30-minute shifts every work day and mentally prepare myself for the piddly ounces I would output.  I knew my milk supply would be pitiful.  I knew I would get through it.  And most of all I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  I couldn't wait to see that light.

Whelp.

I see the light.  Little man is a little less than a week from turning one.  I have to confess that I'm totally sideblinded by the amount of sadness I'm experiencing from the light.  I am officially a sappy mama.  I hold him way past being drowsy... often until I listen to him snore for a solid two minutes.  I'm getting all of the top-of-the-head smell that I can possibly get in before these days are officially over.  I know that it will be before I know it that he just gets into bed himself and says "goodnight mama!"  I am officially one of the annoying moms that would actually make me angry every time they said something like "enjoy it! It'll be over before you know it!"  I actually had to curl up fists a few times someone was saying that to me as I was dealing with colic or sleeplessness the first time around... and now I get it (PLEASE call me out on my bullshit if I EVER say something like that to you).

I'm going to miss babies.  I know that having more is nuts.  I'm literally like Ahnold or Bruce Willis when they say "I'm getting too old for this shit."  I know I don't want to be a 55-year old mama of a high-schooler.  But I will miss them.  And I will become one of those people that goes places where new babies are found and hold them.  And that is how biology and evolution are the trickiest little sneakies of all.  

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